“I tried on ideologies like I tried on clothes and it was really, madness!”.
Learning to Trust my Inner wisdom! There is a wisdom inside each of us, its in our heart and in our intuition. Our bodies talk to us, we just need to listen. Many of us have been taught to ignore ourselves and the things that our heart really desires, and its led some of us to live a life in quiet despair,confusion, and frustration. For me it led to deep misery and existential angst and it’s taken years to unravel, and I am still unraveling. I feel like now after 12 years of seeking its almost as if I was taking off layer by layer of who I was not -to find who I was.
If life is a journey and we are here to learn spiritual lessons, I think this might be one of the most important lessons to learn; know yourself, honor yourself, trust and love yourself! To thine ownself be true is a statement that thoroughly baffled me way back in 2002. Can you imagine being so lost ? Well I was, and I am going to be talking about this huge journey post by post, because it was an odyssey! Filled with funny stories, sad stories, embarrassing stories, victories,tragedies. I wanted to know EVERYTHING at the beginning of my quest. The secrets of the universe, how our goverment really worked, why was there racism? Why were there bad people in the world? What was happiness? Why were some people so mean? Why did some people have such horrible lives? What was this meditation thing my teacher I had known since childhood kept talking about? Who was I? Why was I here? What made me happy? No big deal right ? Lol, these were just some of the questions I had to find out that drove me crazy?!!!!!
No one knows you inside like you know yourself. I am learning and have learned and keep learning that I am a Co-Creator. Life is not happening to me it’s happening through me. We are not victims of our past and we don’t need other people to define our realities for us. We don’t need a guru or to study a million books. You are powerful! We are powerful! After all that seeking , I continually keep learning that I have all the answers I need inside! Even in my artwork and design, the way I dress and the lipstick color I choose. So many of us look to the fashion industry or our best friend or mom or our husband to validate our taste or choices or careers, but why? That’s insane! We know what we like, why do we need others to say, ” yes I like that “? I guess the answer I have discovered is because we don’t want to stand out, we want to fit in and be liked,we do a lot to try and fit in to labels, images, social groups, images others have of us. At what long term cost does this come at to permanently silence our own inner voice? I know it wasn’t just me pretending” I could see most people pretending and having an easier time with it than I was. Acting has never been my strong suit neither has lying.
Don’t give your power away in your friendships,in your relationships, and be careful if you constantly refer to other people to determine “how you feel”. That was another big one I am still recovering from. Never place your happiness in the hands of someone who may not know what you really love inside and what makes you happy. Don’t let someone call all the shots in your life,take over all of your free time,resources and mental energy. Go where the energy flows freely- follow what feeds you not drains you. Feeling physically drained is a good sign you are not in harmony with your path, heart, and truth.
Not everyone gets this lost, but wow! I was! 🙈 There are many layers and reasons as to why I “lost myself” but it all comes down to identity. Who are we? Do we really know ourselves? This might sound severely insane but I lost myself in such a massive way it’s taken me over a decade to find myself and really listen to my inner voice, my heart, know my dreams, my desires and wishes, and most importantly what made me happy. I now know exactly every period and choice I made in my life where “I lost myself”. I kept seeking myself in all the wrong places,in jobs, relationships, titles, outfits, careers, degrees, new cities, friendships. As you can imagine I eventually became a basket case after all that confusion and chaos. I tried on ideologies like I tried on clothes and it was really madness. Then my husband and I suffered a string of “bad luck years” and my “being” became so severely exhausted something had to give. It took a lot to “get real” with myself and others and make the tough changes I needed to make, to admit I was not ok inside and that I needed help. It was not pretty at all. All the years of spiritual seeking, going in circles, ignoring my inner voice and guide, OCD Type A workaholism -it all culminated into a three year explosion of cathartic healing , change, and transformation aKA a nervous breakdown that began in the prophetic Mayan Prophecy Year of 2012.
It’s all about the little things for me now. I had a lot of healing to do for my journey to know what music I like, to know I love trying new things-exploring! I am super picky and sensitive and love colorful tasty food, tons of film, music, I am so opinionated and curious about everything! I love writing! I love designing little memes,sharing my spiritual nuggets of wisdom I’ve learned along the way. I love service and helping! But I know all this because I have invested so much time digging, carving away, looking inside myself, practicing, playing,making mistakes, and I am still figuring it out. What I keep discovering is that it may be impossible to know all of who I am because I keep evolving and growing and I am ALIVE! I am not a job title or ” just a sister, friend, admin,writer, survivor…” I am and we are so much more. WE ARE ALIVE. It’s been good getting out of my head and into my heart. Can’t wait to share more of my story I’ve had two major awakenings In 12 years and have worked tremendously on myself and spent at least $100,000 dollars in 12 years, and have been studying and working on myself with an intensity that I am only now reaping the rewards from. I believe I was called and selected to be a healer and have so much to share.
No matter where you are on the journey; honor the wisdom within you! We are all students and teachers on the path never let anyone convince you that you know nothing. Its important we all know we are important, because the truth is -we are all god! Let whatever spirit in you speak through you. Honor yourself ! Even if someone else is doing something similar, the world needs what you have to share in the way you share it! There is a wisdom inside each of us, its in our heart and in our intuition. We just need to listen.🌿