For many years I had no idea who I was, finding out that I am a starseed and have all these gifts has been so grounding for me. But for so many years, I really lost myself and my very long awakening process all played out through my clothing and how I dressed. It was very frustrating and crazy making not knowing who I was but I now know the roots of why I didn’t know who I was began in my childhood. I was always around controlling people that constantly invalidated what I was feeling, thinking, and experiencing. I didn’t grow up around anyone with good boundaries so it was very hard figuring out who I was. My reality was always defined for me and I will explain how.
The way we dress says a lot about us. It reveals our values, our identity, what we think about ourself, maybe our level of education, our music choices, our self awareness, what we do for a living. It can also reveal places we are disconnected from ourselves and reveal deep emotional, psychological, and spiritual gaps. It’s interesting all the ways I tried surviving /solving my identity crisis over the years. I think out of all the craziest things I did this might have been up there with the nuttiest, the funniest, most expensive, and the most embarrassing. Clothing and developing my personal style was one of the ways I chose to deconstruct and rebuild my ego.
It all started back in 2009. I was massively having a fashion identity and existential crisis. I had started watching What Not To Wear in 2006 and I started feeling really unattractive. Wow did that show have a huge influence on me! I also watched a lot of Oprah and was getting really into politics and taking a course on gender and identity. I had been healing and in therapy and having this huge spiritual awakening since 2003 where I was questioning everything but I really became obsessed with the way I dressed. The show somehow convinced me that all the answers to life’s problems were in how I was dressing. Yeah I know what your thinking “wth??!!!” But it’s true this is part of my crazy story and I am actually amused and proud of it today.
Reflecting back on this outfit I made on Polyvore in 2009; I was going to FIDM and had just left the corporate world and structured life-unplugged yet again from the matrix. I had been trying since 2001 to quit being a corporate temp admin, to be my real self, to dress like my real self but I had no idea anymore who the hell I was! You could take the girl out of “Corporate America” but you couldn’t take “Corporate America”out of the girl. Lol I knew this outfit was more “me” but for whatever reason I wasn’t in alignment with it, and it took so much to get to this place. When I look at this outfit below me; I see casual, laid back, but I didn’t know how to embrace that mentality and lifestyle. I left the corporate world and “the matrix, but I couldn’t unplug. So many things were keeping me in place that had nothing to do with clothing.
So back in 2009, I became severely obsessed with personal style and fashion and finding my life’s calling to the point where I took out a $45,000 private loan and enrolled at FIDM in San Francisco. I decided to study Visual Communications. I also started playing around with clothing and decided to chop off my hair. I read somewhere that In a controlled study they found, that there was an unconscious public perception that women with long brown curly hair were seen as less intelligent, so I ran like crazy to my local Supercuts and chopped it all off! I looked like a soccer mom, which made me very self conscious, then I couldn’t handle the extra attention! I also felt ugly my husband hated it! It was the worst. I suffered from major self esteem and confidence issues already this made it 100 times worse. There was such a disconnect in my brain. I could make these outfits but I couldn’t dress like this in real life. The more I was seeking, the more crazy things I tried. The more I tried to make these physical external changes the further away from myself I became. I was so lost and just kept going in circles.
Long story short ;my journey has been super strange and unique. I finally caught up to being this girl, five years, a marriage, a separation, a death, a psychopath, and one huge nervous breakdown later. How did I find myself ? I needed to heal, to like myself, to let go of shame, to find my voice, to face the really hurt parts of myself, to be sure of who I was, to honor myself, connect with my core, connect with what mattered, and not give a shit…… I had to get very honest and look at all the reasons I was not in alignment with my truth.
What were the obstacles and things I had to heal?
- Overcoming self consciousness
- Overcoming societal conditioning
- Overcoming and redefining my sexuality, looking at internalized sexist values
- Overcoming and redefining internalized racism
- Reevaluating my belief structures surrounding class and self worth.
- Strengthening 3rd,4th, and 5th chakra.
- Learning the language of visual art. (Size, color texture, proportion, focal points,and pattern)
- Knowing who I really was inside knowing what I really liked.
- Having the courage to just relax!
- Honoring my deep core values about consumerism and image.