Applying the Law of Attraction; when all you get is ” strange fruit”.

I first learned about the law of attraction back in 2003, naturally like most of you, I felt I had discovered the best thing since sliced bread! I mean I hit the jackpot! I was gonna be rich and have the man of my dreams, the house of my dreams, the perfect body, the perfect family life, the best-est of friends! The best education and career -Right ?  Well I got some stuff in fact I started manifesting many physical things, circumstances, and people into my life, but I also attracted many other things I did not want once I got the things I ” thought” would make me happy. I also was struggling to manifest other things and gave up at one point which was a bad idea.

Here are some other things I hadn’t considered and what happened as I tried applying the law of attraction over the course of 12 years. Keep in mind I was having strange spiritual experiences, trying to heal from a very rough past,  and simultaneously find my life purpose and apply the law of attraction. Sounds easy right ?!! No one tells you there are many other factors and laws at play that you should take the time to consider.  You could quite possibly be affected by deep seated beliefs, fears, and other things you may not be consciously aware of. What I have learned is that in some cases , you must take the time to unlearn and heal the emotional charge behind memories, thoughts, and beliefs before you can start to create new experiences.

strangefruit one

BEFORE  YOU CAN START CO-CREATING A LIFE YOU WANT TO BE LIVING and before you can start applying the law of attraction, you have to heal the wounds of the past and understand how it all affected you before you can begin to move forward. The law of attraction states that everything happening to you and that you have is a result of previously manifested thoughts and beliefs about how you see yourself, your worth, and the world around you. If you want to bring anything to your life all you had to do was think it, ask for it, and then believe it would magically manifest. But did you know that what magnetizes your wishes and desires is the emotion behind it? So even if you spent months using visualization and affirmations, if you had a deeply held beliefs or emotionally charged traumas and memories that were stronger than the new beliefs your are trying to manifest your gonna have a really hard time manifesting?

Did you know that you can also manifest the outlook and beliefs of your family ? And also manifest things you don’t want in your life simply by saying repeatedly ” I don’t want such and such to happen.  What happens if like me you come from bleak circumstances that leave you with lifelong suicidal depression? You guessed it , you have to heal that.

I’m just gonna go out on a limb here and say it I am guessing that  the people having the hardest time with the law of attraction are the people like me that come from abusive, dysfunctional, co-dependent and chaotic childhoods. I don’t think many of us consider the roles they have been conditioned to playing and the legacy of cultural inheritances or lack thereof that can wreak havoc in your life.  Namely I think I needed to heal the victim archetype. I have been  healing vigorously for many years the wounds I inherited from my childhood so that I could manifest better circumstances and I want to share my experiences over the last 12 years. Some people are born with silver spoons, college educations, houses, love, etc.,  and some of us are born into debt, broken families, abuse, poverty and mass amounts of unhealed shame and pain. I had to understand and look at it all before I could go forward. I didn’t to and I tried to run from it and hide, but ultimately my journey led me back to myself and to my past so I could honor it and get better.   I also was drawn to deconstruct and analyze my families past, so I didn’t hate my family and could begin to forgive them and move on with love and compassion.

I not only thoroughly examined myself  and my history but  I looked at my family’s past too, I tracked the patterns and behaviors of my father and his father too to see where these deep beliefs and traumas had come from. I also examined the roles of racism, lack of education, and poverty to understand why my life had been the way it had been. I had to understand where had it all gone wrong ? I decided I would be different early on and heal, and I had tons to heal.

Cycles of Abuse, Ignorance, and Dysfunction keep repeating until someone does something different First thing I  inherited was a cycle of abuse and lack of formal education. First there was abandonment and loss at age three.   I was ripped out of my mothers arms she had developed a mental illness at 19 and couldn’t take my fathers abuse and heart break, she went “crazy”and I was taken from her. My father abandoned me a few days later, a good looking 24 year old high school drop out, he couldn’t afford to take care of me and chose to use his good looks, charisma, and natural talents to try and make it in the music industry. He left me with his abusive sister another high school drop out who was married at 13 and her  spoiled sociopath  teenage daughter, she had at 14. Her daughter went on to marry an abusive man from a similar violent abusive background and they both went on to also be high school drop outs who went on to have four kids together. We all lived in the house together growing up.

So at age three my Dad left and  moved to Maui, I can still see him go in my minds eye and watch the door shut I remember the door closing behind him and the blood curdling scream that I let out. I was terrified of these people from the start ! The loss was unbearable. I was in horrific amounts of pain for years. It’s like someone burned my arms or chopped me up I was bleeding gushing from the inside, it was just painful. If you ever want to know what you do to a person when you abandon then you leave them in excruciating amounts of pain.  I mean I am not being dramatic, I literally felt physical pain all the time, it’s still here-I just got used to it, but it scarred me deeply and left me with lifelong suicidal thoughts and depression never mind the deep psychological and emotional trauma, that I never knew how to heal or cope with. With such a “charged” emotional memory it left me with a predisposition to continually manifest being constantly re-abandoned, getting close and then losing people and hating life, naturally I developed a horrific case of PTSD. I have said goodbye and lost  more people in  my 38 years of life to just suddenly death or relocating then anyone I know -strange for sure and it definitely makes me see this law of attraction stuff is very real.

After my dad left I thought it couldn’t get any worse but how wrong I was. The abuse I suffered through was unspeakable. I still shudder at all the numerous things that happened to me in secret. I can barely get the words out let alone feel the emotions that come with the memories. And guess what I found out years later ? You can’t heal what you don’t feel let alone remember. I had so much abuse and trauma and many suppressed memories and you can manifest from the subconscious level too so this was not good news. I started trying to hang myself in my closet at age 8, then I discovered throwing up. A secret I told no one until a few years ago. My goal was to kill myself slowly. I took pills screamed for help,my aunt that raised me didn’t care and totally ignored me.  She was intermittently cruel then nice and terrified the living day lights out of me. Her life was pretty miserable too, so I can’t judge her, but I learned to never trust the adults around me and I learned to stop asking for help,  why bother? No one cared.My mind eventually disassociated and my psyche fragmented in many ways. It’s taken a ton of work to piece Humpty Dumpty together again. After thousands of dollars, shamanic soul retrievals, years of therapy, group therapy, and reading hundreds of books and trying everything I could afford known to man, here I am like the patched up scarecrow after the wicked witch of the east sicks her flying monkeys on him. But hey I’ve made some huge progress.

I owe many of my strengths and good things that I have in life to what I inherited equally like the bad and painful stuff and I definitely  acknowledge that,  but this article is what I had to heal and what I learned by running away from things.  I loved to read thank god and I loved music and learned to play a little bit of piano as a kid, these were my savings graces.   A voracious reader, I could read like no one else existed and read a book a night and my aunt always was really great at getting me every book I wanted. She definitely had her nice days which also left me thoroughly perplexed. I was mistreated and abused but depended on her for food, survival and scraps of love, this early trauma bonding left me with  another confusing pattern that has prevented me from getting close to safe people and had me inadvertently getting close to abusive people.  Even when I consciously tried waiting it out and getting to know people before trusting them, the relationship would at some point become abusive or manipulative! More thought patterns, traumas, and beliefs to heal. More crappy things manifested. I also had a lifelong pattern of trying to chase after emotionally unavailable people and seek friendship and love from people that would obviously reject me. That’s right ! Ouch !

Lessons keep repeating until you learn the lesson

What’s interesting about my story though is how the cycle of abuse kept repeating  and being handed down. I’m going to track it back a little further three generations only on my fathers side because that is who I was raised with, but I’m almost positive it started way before then, I wonder how racism and the exploitation of Puerto Rico, and its people contributed to the misery and suffering that people took out out on their spouses and children.  But I digress. So in my story, let’s look at my grandfather. He was beat up often by his father a poor farmer in Puerto Rico with way too many mouths to feed, which led to my grandfather running away at age 8. He was on his own at age 8 struggling to survive on the streets of Puerto Rico, and then he grew up had his own kids and apparently abused the kid that he has little patience for because he was bright and misunderstood. My father obviously didn’t handle the abuse well he turned to escaping and running away in other ways; addiction, women, and music to be exact.  My father never really grew up emotionally for many reasons; one being it’s disrespectful to talk bad about your family. Here is how I am very different, from the start as a child I was not afraid to tell the truth, in fact no matter how much I was punished I refused to be silenced. You could see how I was labeled the black sheep.

I’m sure my fathers story, is way more complicated than that and also very painful to discuss, but becuase he did not heal it, he then passed on more abuse to me and my brother. I was close to my grandfather he told me all about his life and I am forever grateful to know a little bit about my family’s past which was often shrouded in shameful cultural secrets and mysteries. My grandfather I should mention I am and was extremely proud of he died in 2011. He had not idea what kind of abuse I was really suffering from if he had known and had I had an advocate.  He fought his conditioning deeply and had big visions for himself and his family, he accomplished a lot in his life and he did his best, and he was always nice to me so he will always have my love and respect.  I decided early on, that the buck stopped with me. I was not going to have kids, I would not pass on this legacy. I was smart enough to see I wasn’t given the tools to raise an emotionally healthy child. I was barely given any tools, a lot like my grandfather in life. I was not taught how to cook, how to support myself, educate myself, dress myself, deal with the opposite sex. I just was told to just “Do it! Figure it out! and Look it up!” was what I was told constantly. Coming back to my story,  eventually  I was taken away and put in group homes and children shelters because of the reported abuse. I’m sure you can imagine how all that chaos affected my education ? That’s right you guessed it -it was a mess! I went  to so many schools I  was living here there and everywhere, sometimes running away then being put back in the hands of my family that did not really want me.  By the time I got to high school I was very behind in math and science but surprisingly way ahead in others subjects, today I can barely do algebra. Can you imagine what this did to my sense of confidence and sense of self esteem in high school? It was awful! I thought I was such a piece of shit nobody loser I eventually dropped out in the 11th grade and started taking college courses at 17! Luckily for me I was smart, I picked things up easy, and enjoyed reading. Books have been my best est friends and loyal confidantes. Thank god !

Alternative Lyrics: Watt is love? Baby don't Hertz me, don't Hertz me, no Morse.As I got older, it was very hard to be loved by people it was such an elusive concept. What the hell was love ? I had no self esteem one of the most basic and important life skills needed for JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING! When people got close I became terrified they would hurt me and I pushed them away. I was abandoned and abused so traumatized. I didn’t even know how to love myself or what that even meant. I only new how to ” fake it”  I only had one boyfriend attempt to “love” me I was difficult I don’t blame him. No matter what he said it’s like I was allergic to believing anything good about myself. I had an extremely low sense of self  worth and practically no self esteem or confidence.  He grew angry and frustrated with me often and was upset I didn’t just know things, I kept him at distance I never wanted him to know my real background. He did not come from a messed up past so naturally I assumed I was beneath him. I was bogged down in so much shame and working at all these cool start ups in Silicon Valley at a young age.  I was trying to desperately  to fit in and seem like I had it all together. The relationship with this guy obviously ended after 5 years. That break up was agony it triggered suicidal tendencies and my bulimia eventually became really bad after another intense loss- the loss of the one family member that genuinely seemed to love me. After she died I had to face my past. I eventually had to face my past. I had to give a crap about my own life, parent myself, love myself. Live , work on my own, I never had $1 of help from anyone I was on my own at 16 paying my own rent and bills it was so hard to heal and survive. I had to do a lot of unconventional things out of sheer survival, so naturally I was drawn down a spiritual path and I was determined to transcend and heal.

It’s been a very long hard journey. I’ve made tons of mistakes. My eventual nervous breakdown that happened in 2013 was the catalyst for me to finally really open up. Prior to that I had manifested a great looking life, I had a ton of friends, a nice husband, a good job, a nice pace to live, money, an education but I could not sustain it because I had not healed deeply enough. All this that I am sharing now is the result of thousands of dollars of work I have done on being brutally honest the last two years!! I only began opening up and talking, writing, and sharing all  within the last year. That’s  the gift of a major nervous breakdown and the gifts of ascencion that I received after the fated Mayan shift date of 12/21/12 that propelled many of us forward. I finally am healing these deeper layers and wounds and I’m still healing.

The hardest part of my healing that  was the hardest was this being brutally honest and overcoming the shame. I hated sharing and getting pity, more than anything I hated and loathed being weak and vulnerable in front of others -yuck ! I was allergic to that too but I was forced to talk about all of this to survive. Ultimately I see how it’s impossible to be truly intimate and close to others without this kind of brutally honest and raw exchange. No wonder I didn’t feel close to anyone and didn’t feel I knew myself. I was too busy ignoring myself and looking the other way pretending I was not in horrific amounts of pain deep down.
A Clean Slate

I was ostracisized and condemned by my family for the path I’ve taken. Talking about it let alone writing about this was not the family way. They keep their secrets and skeletons hidden and I am choosing to face it all and overcome the shame. They only know how to survive life by doing things as they have always done which means remaining deeply secretive, unhealthy, dysfunctional, and severely co-dependent. I can’t see them facing their pain and shame. But I hope one day that changes.  They don’t understand I am attempting to heal myself and help others heal by being brutally honest so that I can become functional and manifest new circumstances in my life and build a deeper stronger foundation. I am pretty sure they don’t know about the law of attraction and they often laughed at me for being so ” crazy”.

I have spent many years educating myself and I understand now, how much past shame holds you back in life. I also know that healing the relationship with yourself and being emotionally mature and honest is the foundation for all healthy relationships and a healthy happy life. I believe I will transcend the cyclical barriers and be able to manifest from a more neutral place now ,because I have done and am doing the work, while they will continue to manifest what was handed down to them until they are willing to open their minds and hearts up heal and make a change.
As you can imagine when I first heard of the law of attraction back in 2003 it made total and complete sense why I continually kept manifesting miserable painful circumstances that kept repeating but it drive me absolutely crazy at how overly simplified “The Secret” which came out a few years later had made it sound. I didn’t want to manifest a million dollars or a huge home, but more nuanced skills and qualities. I wanted to attract being healthy and confident. I found those things harder to manifest.  The first books I read about the law of attraction was A Course In Miracles, Louise Hay, You can Heal Your Life, and Deepak Chopra’s,  The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success -all amazing books. What I can tell you is , When you come from a past like mine you have so much to unlearn and understand about yourself before you can start applying new thoughts patterns and  forming new deep beliefs that become habitual mental grooves. Not only so much to learn, but so much to heal. You must heal it in your mind, your heart, your spirit, your soul, your auric field before you can begin to manifest new beliefs. How I have done this and am still doing this will be in another post as you can imagine that has been another long journey.

Uapaca-kirkiana-03-webLOA Pet Peeves

 Often times and I have seen this in the spiritual community people are stigmatized for having manifested negative circumstances in their life instead of receiving the pats on the back they deserve for being so strong and fighting so hard. Pity has to be the biggest insult. Don’t feel you need to say or do anything. Get support from people that are loving and understanding and that you resonate with. I have started an online group called THE SISTERHOOD, it’s becoming a great place where you can get all of  that. Love, friendship, equality, no judgement . Try, try, try again is my motto. I often see some people especially in the spiritual community that like being the person that is stronger, more special than you, healthier and better than you. I have a real pet peeve when new-agers without any real understanding of the law of attraction or who have not had to deal with 1/8 of your problems start to preach  about how to apply the law of attraction.  If there is one thing my enlightenment has taught me it’s the knowledge that I am not better than anyone else, and my healing has taught me I am not beneath anyone either. Neither are you. Ignore the people that don’t get it.

The law of attraction is just one of many other universal laws I love when the ” experts”  tell you,  you must have attracted this into your life because of your negative thoughts or your karma as if to imply you deserve it – Really ???? Or maybe there are other factors at play.I don’t know it all and I am still learning and I only speak about what I have experienced and I say it in my words and I only talk about what it’s taken me a long time to learn and apply.  Some souls chose this hard life and came to help heal the  dysfunction on this planet. They came to experience it, to understand it so they could help, not because they deserved it. You can’t heal what is kept in the dark.

Through examining my own soul contract I have come to understand I am a light-worker and what they are calling a starseed. We come to transmute the pain and heal it. So  please consider that if you have had a painful life and are having a hard time applying the law of attraction. If the fruit of your labor is bearing sour fruit it could be because you inherited things to heal. Know your past story, find out how it shaped your beliefs, and see if you are continuing to manifest from your past. Only when we can see how our previous thoughts, patterns,and  beliefs shape and influence our actions can we begin to go forward and create a new.

Would love to hear your law of attraction stories! What have you manifested? And have you ever manifested something you didn’t want?
Big Love,

WLN


6 thoughts on “Applying the Law of Attraction; when all you get is ” strange fruit”.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s