Why do some people stay in situations and or around people that don’t really love or like them? I mean not everyone does but, why do some people seem doomed to keep trying to get love from people who obviously don’t want to give it to them?
It took many years to get to the heart of this issue for me to heal it. I discovered the roots of staying in situations and around people that you really don’t fit in with have to do with low self esteem and a lack of self love. Two things that are shaped firstly by your upbringing and environment.
I spent many years trying to change myself to fit into the wrong crowd of people. It wasn’t always this way, I used to be an outspoken goth in high school, but after turning 18. I was on my own and had to support myself. I started working at a publishing company and had to act much older than my age in a very professional upscale environment. I began suppressing aspects of my real self to fit in but I also remember I started acting like a chameleon in every area of my life, always trying to blend in to be liked, loved, and accepted.
When I did some more digging I realized this suppression of my real self didn’t really start at 18, it started when I was very young. I never knew why I always hated myself and why I always felt less than everyone else. I always felt lonely around the people I did hang around and I felt like something was always missing and it was – it was missing the real me. It took many painful years and a couple brutal spiritual awakenings that made me finally get to the root of the reasons why. In order to get to the root, I had to go back to my extremely abusive past, a place that was very painful to re visit. A place I wished I never had to remember.
But I did, and slowly I started healing. I was able to see I wasn’t my real self around people because I had low self esteem. I had low self esteem because I had deeply held beliefs about myself that came from an abusive oppressive childhood where I was horrifically bullied by a group of family members that secretly told me repeatedly daily almost that I was worthless, loveless, ugly, and had no value. This childhood also systematically silenced my true self. I was not ever allowed to express myself and I was dealing with excruciating abuse. These criminals were trying to hide their crimes and these sick people hated themselves,and projected their hatred on to me. As an empath, I took on their self hatred on and believed it! I was badly bullied and shunned by my entire family for speaking up about being abused and over time I interpreted their rejection of me as the result of some inherent flaw in me. This is exactly what they wanted me to feel! I had been brainwashed by sick people to believe I was ” a piece of shit” and worth nothing, and at some point all the years of humiliation, abuse, and bullying I began to believe it. When I grew up I stuffed the memories, but I couldn’t stuff how deeply it had affected me.
How awesome many years later to discover, that this was the reason! Because of course I realized at once that they were not right! I was not inferior and worthless to anyone because I spoke the truth about their criminal activities that they wanted to hide. The best way to silence your victim and disempower them is to overpower them and get them to self destruct. Once I realized this, I said to myself, “Who the hell cares if these people didn’t like me,love me, or approve of me ?!!” I didn’t like them or need their approval anyway! Yuck! Or anyone that doesn’t like who I am!
I’ve spent many years healing. I’m still in the process of writing out my entire story because I came to realize I survived a horrificly abusive childhood and have every reason to be extremely proud of myself for surviving it and daring to thrive in life and I am.
I’m still unraveling all the years of brainwashing and abuse but I have become much more of my real self and found my voice again -finally. I find it ironic that the more I am myself, and accept and love who l am warts and all the more I connect with people more intimately and have started making much more real friends, and my confidence has been skyrocketing.
I don’t try to impress, get along, or please anyone anymore that I don’t jibe with today and neither should you. Not everyone is going to like you or me, but what’s most important is that I like me and you like you.
Heal yourself & Be yourself. If you feel like you suffer from low self esteem and lack of confidence examine if it comes from your past from school, bullies, society…..it’s a learned belief -you were not born this way! Like most people that come from an abusive homes you may have to learn this a couple times like I had to, but explore where your beliefs come from. Once you realize they could have been formed on lies you will have a breakthrough. Know you are awesome and worthy of love. Forgive yourself for past mistakes you’ve made. Maybe you can’t see what is great about you now, but at least take the first step because I promise you it’s there.
I love this quote by Melissa McCarthy, she captures my new attitude perfectly.