When I first began awakening I started having very intense vivid dreams that sometimes would shake me to my core. These dreams played a very important role in my spiritual awakening, healing, and self discovery process. You can learn a lot from your dreams so you should definitely pay attention-especially to the dreams that terrify you in some way. I began having intense dreams nightly in my early 20’s, and I began journaling daily. I would write them down first thing in the morning and pull out my dream dictionary and look up each symbol or archetype and write it all on one paper. I looked up each element, character, color, number, jewel. Sometimes there were buildings, cars, planes, and other hodgepodge nonsensical stuff, that I would realize later on had huge meaning depth or importance. Once I copied and pasted each symbol or detail all into one page I would try to piece the messages and meaning together. No one taught me how to do this, it was just instinctual. I had been doing this in fact for about 7 years by this time in my 20’s.
I had discovered a dream dictionary as a teenager when I lived on Maui and worked at a metaphysical bookstore. I was often interpreting many of my friends and co-workers dreams that sometimes would embarrass me and sometimes my friends. I don’t think they knew how intuitive I was or how revealing their dreams were but I knew a lot about them so be careful who you share your dreams with because it was like I was looking into a glimpse of their soul. Make sure you only share with someone you trust. I learned that many people studied these dreams; universal archetypes, patterns, myths, and symbols. I learned that the practice was used by psychologist and psychiatrist in conjunction with talk therapy to unlock or reveal certain aspects about the soul or psyche of the individual, persons, or client that they were working with. These dreams could be helpful in revealing soulful insights, memories,or patterns about the individual that they may not be consciously aware of, especially if there have been unhealed traumatic events. But Dream interpretation is an art not a science.
Guidance, a memory, a message.
If you have a personality disorder, fragmented or repressed memories like I had, many things can come up in dreams that could be shocking. Dreams are the language of your soul. I feel they are also kind of a portal or bridge to other dimensions outside of our visible range of eye sight. Your higher self, guides, angels, and ancestors might use dreams to communicate messages to you; to help guide you, or help you with issues that you are currently working through. Dreams are not usually literal, but can be a play on words, and are usually comprised of fragmented archetypes myths and other universal symbols colors and characters that if carefully studied began to reveal very important personal symbolic stories and messages tailored just for you. Although I had been having many dreams for years, there is one dream in particular that had a life changing transformative effect on my life that I would like to share with you. It was so shocking, meaningful and disturbing I can never forget how impactful it was. Maybe it can help you learn how to read the messages in your dreams and help you decode the messages that will help guide you on your spiritual journey and path. In order to teach you how to use your dreams as tools, I need to explain to you a little bit about what had been happening at that time in my life. I will explain my emotional and psychological state, the dream, and then explain what it revealed, and how it forever changed me. So bear with me here is some context and the story.
The nightmare before the dream.
I was in my 20’s I was in a very dark emotional place in deep despair and sadness. I had been seeking out the help of a psychologist for help with my issues at the time. I had been emotionally shut off and numb closed off forever and all of a sudden my best friend moved away, my first love and I broke up ( first major long-term relationship) and my only family member I was close to who was like a mother to me died. I was 23 and I had just lost my entire support system literally in a period of a year and a half. I had never really had one in the first place! My life was filled with losses, moves, instability, horrific abuse and chaos and for a short period of 5 years (I was 18-22 years old) I suddenly has lots of friends and family and then they were all gone. I had deep complex PTSD and abandonment issues and all these losses triggered old suicidal feelings and bulimia. I was throwing up 9 times a day even at my job and I was terrified of being caught at work. I never had family or financial help from a young age, so I was freaked out and trying to find help from a psychologist to get some relief. I finally found a therapist and I began reading a book I highly recommend called, The Courage to Heal. It was a book I had been avoiding reading for a very long time but I knew it was something I finally had to face.
I think I knew it was related to the suicidal feelings and bulimia, but I wasn’t sure why I was suicidal or bulimic. I know that sounds strange, but I didn’t know, I was confused. Deep inside I knew I had to talk about being sodomized and talk about the brutal rapes and torture I experienced as a six-year-old. I knew I had to talk about my horrific childhood and revisit all the terrifying events that happened to me but trust me- I did not want to! It was scary and hard! I never wanted to talk about it or ever remember again. I had tried for years to keep any thoughts about it buried. But I had to talk about it this time I was sick and I needed help. It wasn’t going to fade away or be suppressed by my mind. I needed to stop throwing up and heal the suicidal stuff so I could keep my job. I reluctantly became willing to try and I started weekly therapy.
Then came the night of the terrifying dream. It scared me so badly I woke up in the middle of the night. I woke up somewhat in a sleep paralysis and I could not move I was laying there with my eyes awake, my heart was pounding and racing. I was too terrified to even get up to pee. I was frozen in a panic. I immediately tried erasing it from my mind shut my eyes said a prayer and willed myself back to sleep. The next day I was still thinking about it so I wrote it down in my journal to discuss with my therapist and I quickly tried to forget it! A week passed and I still had not told her, I had not told her about my dream because I wasn’t ready to talk about it! But then some other weird event happened that sort of forced me to!
The deep let go.
It was a weekday, I was at a noon Alcoholics Anonymous meeting on my lunch break with my co-worker Ally. I didn’t even drink alcohol but I think she intuitively knew I had food issues which is like an addiction and I think she thought taking me to her noon meetings could help me. She was right. We had been going for a couple of months everyday at lunch. I don’t know how she knew! I was very private and never talked about my problems, but I really loved these meetings I didn’t know why until one day I was humiliated at one. I usually sat quietly in the room like a stuck up snob, silently judging all these “losers” and listening to their sob stories in shock. (This is not how I see these people at all today but rather how I used to think ) I couldn’t believe the things they admitted out loud in there, it shocked the hell out of me daily! So many tears, shame, painful secrets, so much suffering. Then came the day this old man spoke. He got up and started telling a horrific story in graphic detail of how in drunken rages he would get up and beat the living shit out of his children until they were black and blue. He just went on and on and something bizarre happened to me. Tears slowly began pouring out of my eyes. I tried wiping my tears away, but my own memories was jogged by this story and the next thing I knew, mascara tears snots all came pouring down. I was so embarrassed!
I always dressed nicely to work I didn’t want to ruin my make up, but it wouldn’t stop my face from suddenly turned into Niagara Falls! In front of all these people and my co-worker!!! Next thing I knew I was sobbing and weeping and I could not stop. I got very loud, I had to run outside of the room. I remember when I opened the double doors the sun was so bright blinding me, I wanted to hide but I couldn’t anymore. I was so embarrassed but I was also in so much pain. I fell on the floor on the cold concrete in my A-line skirt and kitten heels with mascara flying everywhere! For Christ sakes it was the middle of the damn day! And it was a work week I needed to go back to work but I couldn’t. Someone call my boss I thought. The man speaking ran after me and held me as I finally let out some of the pain I had been carrying around quietly like a little warrior for years. My mask was beginning to crack. Once I calmed down I thanked the man said goodbye and called my therapist and asked if I could come in that day. I didn’t even go back to work I just left my co-worker and went to straight to my therapist office which was about 15 minutes away.
The missing link.
When I got there I told her what had happened. Usually I spoke very robotically in these sessions,but today I was just going for it and I spoke rapidly animated for the first time in my life about how I really felt inside. I let all my emotions come out in that moment as i felt them. She asked me many questions I don’t remember, and I volunteered, “You know I don’t know what this crying is all about but I had a very scary dream recently I think it’s important!” She asked me to describe it and so I began describing it in detail. I felt courageous and less afraid to tell her because she was there so I began.
” It’s like I was a fly on the wall. I walked into an all white room that had no ceiling or walls but it had a floor. There was a party happening there, there was lots of people celebrating and dancing maybe about 100 people. There was music, loud laughter, a celebration. Everyone was dressed up in black and white very formally but I don’t know these people. I walked around the room and out of the corner of my eye I started sensing and seeing something awful and weird. I remember feeling intense horror and fear my heart started racing. There was someone standing in the middle of the room staring at me. I wouldn’t look. It wasn’t laughing. It scares me. I can feel it, but I don’t want to look. I’m scared. So I walk all around the room and try to avoid him or her. I try to listen to other conversations be a part of the party distract myself, but I can’t concentrate.
It’s like I can hear that persons thoughts. I am trying to avoid him. It’s a him, I finally can’t help it, it’s like a magnet is drawing me to him my attention is being very strongly pulled away. I can’t control it. I am being forced to look. In horror, I finally gaze his way and I gasp at what I see! oh god! There was a very skinny boy with sandy blond hair he looks like he’s been in a Jewish concentration camp he’s mostly skin and bones. He is crouched down, his arms are around his legs. He is naked with no clothes on! He looks absolutely petrified. I stare into his eyes and I cannot look away! His eyes are all red and I hear him think, “Does she see me? Does she see me ? Yes she does! She does! She does ! He smiles, he looks so happy. I feel bad that I look away but I’m terrified of him I don’t know why. They didn’t want me to see him. They were trying to hide him. Why were they doing that? I am wondering. He looks so terrifying and awful and hideous I can tell he’s been badly abused and my heart starts racing, I want to run out of the room and then I wake up”
My therapist then asked me questions about the dream. She says, “Who in your life reminds you of this boy? What does this remind you of? Does he look like anyone you know personally ?” With a tear dropping from my eye and in half confused answer I said,” I think he is a part of me -that is me. That is how I feel inside and I am trying to pretend I don’t feel that way. Those people are my family, co-workers, society, my job keeping me busy. I burst into tears at that moment and I remember being stunned at what I had just said. I realized that it was true! I was deeply traumatized and in deep despair and I started to remember more of my terrifically abusive childhood that seemed more like a horror movie. I didn’t remember memories but I suddenly was aware of how I was feeling and that I had been suppressing many feelings and felt beat up in my soul. I realized that I had been avoiding myself and that I was screaming for help inside. I immediately felt compassion for myself. I needed to love myself and stop treating myself as my abusers had treated and ignored me! I needed to stop ignoring myself!
I had been raised by a psychopath and sociopath who lied to everyone and hid the abuse from everyone and labeled me as a bad kid. I’m still writing out that story but there are some other articles on my blog that describe bits and pieces of my life and journey. So many pieces of the puzzle. I could not believe how much I did not know myself! How much I didn’t even know how I really felt! How could that be ? I realized quickly how numb I had been, how much I was hiding and holding in and how cut off and brainwashed I was. My home life was more like a sick private cult that no one in the extended family really knew about. This dream would be one of many startling revelations I made early on in my healing process that really opened the door for deep self love, self discovery, and spiritual transformation. After that dream I began releasing old emotions and deeply buried pain,I went from throwing up 9 times a day to 3 times a week. I began allowing myself the time to cry, grieve and write. I was doing therapy a couple times a week. I began deep inner child healing and mirror work that was transformative. This was one of many tools I used to heal myself which I will be writing in detail about.
Heal the soul. Get back in touch.
If you have experienced a deep or major trauma in your life, or as my case was numerous traumas and are struggling with addiction, eating disorders, anxiety, depression or suicidal thoughts or feelings please get help. Find a therapist and look to your dreams to help you heal yourself and get to know parts of yourself you may be avoiding or that you may bury, ignore, and may keep hidden locked away. Your soul may be screaming for your attention. There is no modern medicine that heals the soul except shamanic and spiritual work which is why I greatly believe in it. Healing and getting back in touch with your soul is transformative and deeply meaningful. It was what eventually helped me heal deep life long suicidal depression and a practice that has become a way of life. It was the key or the root of my issues; soul level trauma. Even if your life has not been that traumatic, I can’t begin to explain how helpful these dreams can be. If you are interested in having me help you decode and decipher your dreams please email me I will do them on a case by case basis for a small fee. Get a dream dictionary and begin journaling, you can also Google dream dictionaries, there are many great free sites that are great resources. I would also recommend beginning a daily practice of meditation and going within. Schedule that “me time” and make yourself a priority and watch how that changes your dreams. I have noticed the more disconnected you are the more colorful and vivid your dreams can be.\