So short version: I am emerging out of my recluse hibernating mode I have been in for the last four years, well really it feels like a 14 year epic journey I have been on.
I am coming out of that, getting dressed up again, integrating all the parts of me that were not healed and that seemed scattered and interacting with the public again. I am becoming social! If you have been in a cave for awhile like I have, this can feel a little daunting especially if you are energetically sensitive like I am! If you are new to my blog and story; I have gone through a radical spiritual transformation that has changed everything for the better. I want to tell you a little bit about the old me and the new me and what happened in between.Basically my world was turned upside and everything was taken from me in 2012/2013 including this dogmatic hold I had on my old personality; this rigid victim low self esteem sad low confidence beat down personality.
I know it sounds crazy but if you follow my blog and my story you will have known how different I used it to be how hard I have been working to heal myself and how hard it has been to overcome all the shitty terrible things that happened to me! The bulk of this transformation and healing happened 2012-2015. Excruciating painful change that forced me to wake up….. like really I woke up to my divinity. I rose above my tiny personality and lost my ability to think for several days. I was just present. Right now I am just present. I dip in and out but I can see how much more presence I have integrated and am integrating into my life where I don’t fricken think at all!!! It’s awesome! It was like Eckhart Tolle his moment lasted for years I think, and some days it last longer.
So now I am finally reaching that stage where I am becoming social. I am emerging from my cave and joining in person social situations and it is a trip! I am noticing how all my interactions are so different! Today for example- I am in the middle of a major overhaul with my look: I had major major issues with my identity, how I dress my style and there is so much history. Basically I am improving everything! I am losing weight, fixing my missing tooth, dressing up, fixing my skin, getting hair and makeup consultations, etc…I am in the beginning of that process. My goal is self mastery, co-creation, walking the path god wants for me. I think when you have truly connected with the divine, it’s hard to play weak small and sick -so my outsides will be reflecting that! Think of the butterfly slowly emerging.
Today I went into a salon that I would have never felt comfortable to go into in the past!It’s one of those cool salons where every one has amazing fashion sense their make up is perfect, every detail is perfect. In the past there is no fucking way I would have gone there. It’s also very white! Maybe there was some internalized classism and racism but I have suffered from very low self esteem and lack of confidence since my teenage years. I was sadistically and cruely very abused in secret for years. Abandoned, ignored, sodomized, raped, humiliated, burned, forced to eat vomit, etc… basically I was tortured by psychopaths. You wouldn’t have self esteem either trust me! So this thing with style in particular runs deep for me. My whole family did hair (beautician & barbers) and my aunt that raised me did hair. She was intermittently cruel and occasionally kind. I was terrified of her.
She was a severely obese Puerto Rican woman that had a severe mean streak. As I write this I am feeling a little bad to put her down I really do love this fucked up lady but she was and is a total bitch and was very cruel who did unspeakable things to my brother and I too long of a damb list -forcing me to call her mom was one of the first cruel things she did to me at 3 but then putting down my mother was the second. The thing that scarred me the most was she took away my ability to sing and she tortured me with style. I have always cared deeply about decoration, home decor, personal fashion, and music and she took it away from me. She used to purposely dress me in ugly clothes and style my hair in very ugly ways and send me to school so that I would get bullied at school. I was always asking friends to borrow clothes and I was always hiding in the bushes changing. I was a cool kid, I used to dance and sing and they broke me down so badly I just was broken for a long time. She was so fucking mean! If I would have not been so abused and fucked with I would have been a cool kid that wanted to be a cheerleader, dress cute and mess with lots of boys lol. I loved fashion from a young age and would of had cute style. So that is the short story the root of it.
So I am getting what she stole back taking back my voice, finding my confidence and developing my style. It’s like I am trans person in a way I feel. So today; I walk into this place. It was so awesome I wasn’t thinking at all, I had no fear. No awkward fidgeting, it’s like I suddenly had major confidence back. I knew it was a place that had a great reputation and I walked in there feeling equal and confident, and for a moment I was like wow wtf this is so awesome! You know, don’t let them fool you there are some people out there that know they put off a intimidating vibe they want you to feel inferior and let’s be honest some women and guys really have amazing style and fashion sense. That is something I have always wanted and no matter how hard I tried I could never find it. I am starting to understand all the reasons why. But today ….. it was just like so amazing I didn’t give a shit. I liked what I was wearing and didn’t care what anyone thought!
I don’t know what it is but if you don’t look totally put together some stores, boutiques, hair salons just look very intimidating to go too. I am energy sensitive I can feel the racism and bitchiness. But honestly if you want to look great these are the places you have to go to. So I walked in and the woman at the counter thinking she was hot shit to the world looked at me and I just looked straight into her eyes never once blinking asking if she took walk ins and if I could get an appointment or consultation. She tried shooing me away and I was like “oh no you didn’t girl”…but it was awesome I really had no attitude- JUST CONFIDENCE . I just said “I would to schedule and appointment and find someone that help me look awesome” We kind of had a stare off because I think she wanted to send me away because apparently they were super booked and she finally smiled and said, ” okay no problem sit down we will be right with you” I know it sounds silly and stupid but it was just amazing. I love the days when I just am present and not thinking that is when I can be divinely guided and hear the voice of my guides. That is the other amazing part of my story. I channel and hear spirit and my guides. They told me where to go and what time to get there. The woman that gave me the consultation was very nice she said, ” wow you have amazing timing I was just about to leave……” and I smiled because I knew someone would see me I already knew. How cool is this? !!!!!!! It’s the simple things! I forgot one last detail the girl that did my hair she and I were wearing some thing almost very similar! I was wearing black leggings, long brown boots, I was wearing a grey sweater tunic, with a thin camo jacket with quarter length sleeves on and a black crystal necklace. She was wearing black leggings, long brown boots, with a camo and grey top and a gold crystal necklace, it was crazy!Different styles and body shapes but same idea! Talk about syncronicity! When I get better at taking outfit selfies I will post it!
Trust god to guide you!