I could and am writing a book about what led me to such a dark place but I’m more excited by sharing stories of how I got out. After years and years of aggressively trying to find my happiness I was stuck in a bad country song; hard miserable times that just wouldn’t shake no matter how hard I tried. No one ever tells you that aggressively seeking happiness is the sure fire way to find misery. In fact, every huge mistake I have ever made in my life and there have been a few were made because of some misguided attempt at seeking peace and happiness. After a decade of putting myself through some insanely crazy experiences I fell apart and gave up completely. I just stopped trying. A lot of shit happened but the short story is I co-created hell on earth. I stopped leaving the house, stopped paying my bills, I couldn’t work, I pushed everyone away and just did not get out of bed for a couple years. I even moved to a new city and changed my number. I was just exhausted clueless and saw no point of going on. As luck would have it, I just couldn’t seem to kill my self. After numerous failed suicide attempts I realized the gods were not letting me go! I was stuck reliving Groundhog Day with Punxsutawney Phil!!
Recovery was slow; At first I would lay around and obsess over how miserable and awful I was but that eventually bored me to tears so I would switch my attention to other things. I started micro blogging about everything I was angry about and started venting about everything from politics, psychopaths, fashion, the cult of celebrity. I realize now that was huge! I had stopped expressing my opinions after my first relationship with my first controlling boyfriend. When that got old, I would read. I watched tons of movies listened to tons of new music and consumed documentaries like candy. Once I saw Blackfish I felt like I went batshit crazy on social media trying to get everyone I knew to care about Tillikum, it’s like his life and fighting for his rights was like fighting for my own rights. So that’s what I did for awhile in between feeling sorry for myself and contemplating suicide sounds kind of comical now.
The point is I started slowly fighting back trying new things eventually thinking new things. Maybe there was some element of divine intervention going on but I was unplugged long enough from my old life I started to plug into something new. My thinking slowly began to shift.. little by little living this new life in this new city by myself constantly learning new things- I began to question the beliefs I had about myself. I also did some past life reviews and had experiences that really helped to connect me to deeper parts of myself. I was hearing my soul a voice I had lost touch with. I realized I had been surrounded by a bunch of small minded people I also realized my mind was very open and that I was extremely creative and enjoyed taking risks even if they sometimes ended up in disaster sometimes I also did cool things! So that’s how it happened, slowly I stopped looking at myself from their perspective and started asking myself questions like, ” have you been trying your best ? Can you think of good things you’ve done ? What do you like about yourself ? If you didn’t know you would you like you ? What do you regret?” The more I did this the more I started to realize my low self esteem was based off how other people saw me and not how I actually saw myself and I didn’t even agree with their philosophies! I discovered to my shock that I actually thought I was cool! This and many other epiphanies and realizations began to shift for me as if the first time I started to see myself in a whole new light ……..
( to be continued)