Recovering from suicidal depression 

I could and am writing a book about what led me to such a dark place but I’m more excited by sharing stories of how I got out. After years and years of aggressively trying to find my happiness I was stuck in a bad country song; hard miserable times that just wouldn’t shake no matter how hard I tried. No one ever tells you that aggressively seeking happiness is the sure fire way to find misery. In fact, every huge mistake I have ever made in my life and there have been a few were made because of some misguided attempt at seeking peace and happiness. After a decade of putting myself through some insanely crazy experiences I fell apart and gave up completely. I just stopped trying. A lot of shit happened but the short story is I co-created hell on earth. I stopped leaving the house, stopped paying my bills, I couldn’t work, I pushed everyone away and just did not get out of bed for a couple years. I even moved to a new city and changed my number. I was just exhausted clueless and saw no point of going on. As luck would have it, I just couldn’t seem to kill my self. After numerous failed suicide attempts I realized the gods were not letting me go! I was stuck reliving Groundhog Day with Punxsutawney Phil!!

Recovery was slow; At first I would lay around and obsess over how miserable and awful I was but that eventually bored me to tears so I would switch my attention to other things. I started micro blogging about everything I was angry about and started venting about everything from politics, psychopaths, fashion, the cult of celebrity. I realize now that was huge! I had stopped expressing my opinions after my first relationship with my first controlling boyfriend. When that got old, I would read. I watched tons of movies listened to tons of new music and consumed documentaries like candy. Once I saw Blackfish I felt like I went batshit crazy on social media trying to get everyone I knew to care about Tillikum, it’s like his life and fighting for his rights was like fighting for my own rights. So that’s what I did for awhile in between feeling sorry for myself and contemplating suicide sounds kind of comical now. 

The point is I started slowly fighting back trying new things eventually thinking new things. Maybe there was some element of divine intervention going on but I was unplugged long enough from my old life I started to plug into something new. My thinking slowly began to shift.. little by little living this new life in this new city by myself constantly learning new things- I began to question the beliefs I had about myself. I also did some past life reviews and had experiences that really helped to connect me to deeper parts of myself. I was hearing my soul a voice I had lost touch with. I realized I had been surrounded by a bunch of small minded people I also realized my mind was very open and that I was extremely creative and enjoyed taking risks even if they sometimes ended up in disaster sometimes I also did cool things! So that’s how it happened, slowly I stopped looking at myself from their perspective and started asking myself questions like, ” have you been trying your best ? Can you think of good things you’ve done ? What do you like about yourself ? If you didn’t know you would you like you ? What do you regret?” The more I did this the more I started to realize my low self esteem was based off how other people saw me and not how I actually saw myself and I didn’t even agree with their philosophies! I discovered to my shock that I actually thought I was cool! This and many other epiphanies and realizations began to shift for me as if the first time I started to see myself in a whole new light ……..

( to be continued)

3 thoughts on “Recovering from suicidal depression 

  1. have skimmed this page and am impressed! Keep up the good work please~ I am a suicide depression treatment person trained to help people stop these thoughts!!! WE need more help in this country! People do not feel comfortable talking about it!! Thank you so much!


    1. Thank you so much I am going to continue writing about it there is nothing like real testimony from survivors. I am now a certified shamanic healer really hoping to go forward and help suicidal people. I really appreciate your comments.


  2. Lovely to read your blog Alexis, and glad that you are now back in this world with us. Love and blessings always my friend.


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