My spiritual journey and awakening first began in 2003 and I had a very significant shift in 2012. This blog, the book to come is about my journey, experiences, and lessons about powerlessness and the ways I was able to break out of deeply ingrained patterns. It’s also about the roles I played, the characters I encountered and my journey into power, wholeness, and the challenges I still face. Before I transcended I essentially lived a life filled with intense obstacles; painful and repeated extreme abuse, abandonment and misery. I kept it hidden for many years until I finally had the break I needed to breakthrough in 2014. Trigger Warning: some, in fact most of my stories about my life on my blog are extreme and can be mildly disturbing and triggering. They were difficult to live through let alone share. I share to pay it forward; the long arduous path, process, and the tools I used that eventually helped me cope, deeply heal,and find peace. I hope it helps you, inspires you, and gives you hope.
At the age of 24 my entire world fell apart in a period of two years. I experienced three major tragedies and lost everyone and everything near and dear to me. In my grief I became very suicidal and bulimic and would spend all my free time hiking and crying and then meditating desperate for relief from my pain. When my bulimia became so bad that I was fired from two jobs, I knew I was in serious trouble and prayed like my life depended on it. It was then, I began to first hear and “feel” spirit. I began to shamanically journey and experience alternate states of consciousness. I began recalling past lives in detail. I spent three years alone after this time. I gave up earthly desires and worries and began to daily meditate, fast, hike and commune with nature. It deeply comforted and soothed me. I embraced the concept that the earth was my mother, spirit was my father, the trees, the animals were all my brothers and sisters. I began learning about many alternative and ancient world teachings. I went to a psychic school learned about energy work and began to channel spirit and the spirit of Jesus Christ.
I was also taught and led to many alternative sources of healing which helped me to heal myself, including Reiki, Astrology, Lousie Hay, The Law of Attractions, Fung Shui, and the teachings of Jesus in the New Testament, and many other sacred old world teachings. It was a very beautiful time in my life and the first time I felt truly free. I had an extremely traumatic and abusive childhood and had been running away from those memories for so long . It was the first time I went within. It was the first time I cried and actually felt anything. I was so numb for so many years. I nurtured my inner child, started exploring my creativity, and going to pow- wows. I started going to therapy and talking about for the first time in my life about my past. I healed myself of PTSD around rape using Cognitive Restructuring which I learned from a book and cured my bulimia. I haven’t had a bulimic episode since I started healing and talking about being raped, it’s been over a decade. It was really a great time and I cherish those memories but that was only the beginning.
Nothing Goes Away Until You Learn The Lesson
Things got a lot better for a while, but overtime I grew weary of all the spiritual talk and healing. I wanted to stop talking about healing 24/7 and do something more fun. I stopped having fun in 2003 and I wanted to go in a different direction. Convinced that I was all “healed”, I slowly stopped meditating, praying and doing the things I had been doing before. I started dating a lawyer who I had little in common with and whom I eventually married. I slowly stopped listening to spirit, stopped communing with nature and became very negative in my thinking and slowly became very ungrateful. I also stopped listening to my inner self, ignored signs, intuition, and paying attention to the earth.
People were so impressed with my change and all the ” stuff ” we had. Things looked really great on the outside. Everyone began coming to me with their issues and problems and I loved this role! A natural healer, I loved helping others and was really good at helping people get more “stuff”, like jobs, relationships, houses, money, etc. Little by little I had convinced myself that I was the healed one and everyone else was majorly messed up. What a huge ego I developed! Not surprisingly, things slowly fell apart but it was very slowly. I became obsessed with finding my career path and external superficial things like fashion and home decor. I really thought I was trying to find my way but I really was becoming more lost. I went to a design school in SF and studied politics and became obsessed with art and creative expression. Things stayed together and decent for awhile, but what I didn’t see happening slowly, was that little by little I became consumed with myself and my ego and ignoring all the other parts of me.
Rome Wasn’t Created In A Day
It took about 7 years until it all came crashing down around me. You know the story of the frog that slowly burns to death by sitting in a lukewarm water? That was me. . and that was from 2005-2012. It was a path and a way of life I don’t recommend. I often joke that I feel I could write the book on how to create hell on earth because slowly over time that is what began to happen. It started really coming unglued when I began attracting and creating a string of really bad luck. It started with the recession in 2008, I had decided to go to school full time in 2008 and took out a very expensive private loan, while still working about 25 hours a week. The whole work week required 90 hours a week and it was the single event I wish I could take back because it brought self destructive coping mechanisms that almost killed me. After 9 months at that school, I was extremely depressed and borderline suicidal but faking it and drawing on anything for some kind of comfort.
I just consumed more like most Americans. I bought more, better makeup, more clothes, cuter house, cuter car, vacations, I studied and worked harder, anything to make it all go away but it didn’t, over the next few years it all became more and more hellish. There were job losses, fraud, repossessions, deaths, car accidents, multiple tickets,cancer, we adopted a very sick cat who peed everywhere, we had huge relationship and family crisis, and the disconnect from my own inner reality and truth just kept growing wider. Despite my own intense personal hell I loved fixing everyone else’s problems, I was getting pushed around and manipulated left and right. I had no boundaries the more that was asked of me the more I took on.
By late 2011,I had had enough. I was so exhausted, angry, bitter, resentful but hardly anyone knew and I certainly wasn’t going to tell anyone, I loved trying to create the illusion that I had it all together. I loved playing the role of the strong one and this was a very hard excruciatingly painful thing to admit let alone overcome. I became so disgusted with myself and hated who I was becoming, I finally got on my knees one night and begged for help. I was begging for god to help me. I got on my knees and asked my higher self and soul to take over my mind my life and my decision making. I told god I was stuck. I knew I was going in circles and I had no idea how to make it stop. I became willing to do anything. I begged god to bring me any experience that would help me grow again and get better. I knew I had to make some major changes.
I finally came to the conclusion that I knew I wasn’t living my truth and I knew i needed healing. I wasn’t in alignment with my heart and soul and was ready to really make a change and I realized I was very disconnected. I was living a lie in every area of my life, and I did not know how to fix anything. I started thinking really deeply night after night and journaling. I finally allowed myself to really question what I had done to create such a miserable life. It all came down to my painful past that I hid from everyone including myself. It came down to healing my very sick soul and admitting to myself that I was just so miserable. I was terrified of real love and intimacy and I avoided it like the plague. I realized I had created a fortress of solitude around my heart and my life just had no joy. It was time to really face all the abandonment, neglect, abuse and chaos of the past and really look at the deep dark corners of my soul that I kept hidden under lock and key.
Stay Tuned for the Rest of the Story……..